Overwhelmed by love and grace. Adoption follow-up.

You are all wonderful.  Since I posted our adoption story 15 hours ago, we’ve had about two thousand visitors to that blog page.  Wow.  So amazing.  Personally, I take a lot of comfort in knowing that others are hearing our story and reacting so strongly to it.  I can honestly say that I feel that God gave me those words.   I was sitting at home, alone, yesterday and just felt this need to write.  I had to write or burst.  It’s all these things I’ve been feeling, except written so well that I can’t take credit.  Anyway, I just wanted to share a few things that I took away from yesterday’s post.

  1. Many adoptive parents have gone through something similar to what we experienced.  So many. It’s heartbreaking.  We knew this before we decided to adopt but hoped we’d be lucky. And you know what? We are lucky.  We are lucky to be part of this story, to become friends with this amazing woman and her family, to know and love this precious baby boy, and to have the support of such amazing people.  If I had to choose, I’d do it all over again.  Why would I wish away one of the best days of my life? I’d take the bad with the good, any day.
  2. So many people have no idea that this is what adoption means.  It means baring your soul.  It means sharing something of yourself that you can’t get back.  It means you will meet amazing people that will inspire you to do better.  I heard several people mention my strong faith.  Can I just give a little shout out to this sweet new mother?  She has done more to encourage my faith than anyone in these last 13 years since I left home.  From the beginning, she has thought our connection has been “a God thing”, and I think she’s right.
  3. As I said in my post yesterday, adoption is TOUGH.  If you have friends or family suffering from infertility or pregnancy loss, please think before you tell them to “just adopt”.  Obviously it’s not easy, it’s definitely not cheap, and it’s not fast.  We feel it’s right for us, but there is a ton of uninformed people out there making it sound like a quick fix to starting a family.   It is definitely not any of those things.  But it is beautiful, and forged out of love.  So for some people, it’s worth it.  And while we’re on this topic, please don’t tell someone they will get pregnant as soon as they decide to adopt. It’s not funny.  It may happen to some people but for most people, it’s not an option.  Ben and I could easily be pregnant but realistically we’d lose that pregnancy like the last 6 pregnancies.  So we are actually hoping to adopt MORE than we hope to have a biological child.  A biological child is not better than an adopted  child.  Children are the same, and the way you build your family doesn’t matter.   So if someone says they plan on adopting, please wish them well and share their excitement.  They are not choosing a lesser method of building their family.   (Stepping off soapbox.  You know I love you all, right?) 🙂

So.  A few things were sent to me in messages or comments and I wanted to share a few of them so you can see why my heart is so full today.  It is because of people like you.  Taking a moment to send a message or comment to a family that is hurting is always an encouraging thing, even if they don’t respond.  Your words have the power to lift up a complete stranger.  So I’d like to share some of your words… both from strangers and friends.
The journey toward becoming a parent and then being a parent is full of so many hardships and heartbreaks. I know someday soon, you are going to begin raising a child of your own, and miraculously, all of the pain and hardships will become part of your story. They won’t be forgotten, but love always wins, it’s the love that keeps us going. Thank you for sharing your heart and faith … I’m so, so, so sorry you have to go through this. You already are an amazing mother.  -Katie


I hope one day this is just a footnote in what is an amazing journey for your family. – Molly


Although you are grieving now, what a blessing to that mother that if nothing else, she has found true friendship in you. A support system… God has a plan. It isn’t for us to try to figure out or understand. There was a reason you were chosen. There is a reason He gave you those moments of being a mama and then taking it away. Perhaps so that you don’t give up hope? We may never know but your undying faith will keep you strong and your blog is helping others; not just those who are are in the process of adoption either! Do trust me, I see that if you can still trust in God’s plan even during this time, that my problems are minor. I won’t say I’m sorry that you had to go through this because although this child isn’t your son on paper, he was your son in your arms for a moment and I’m sure in your heart for a lifetime! God bless and prayers to you and your husband as well as to the newborn and his family! -Jennifer


I am so very sorry. I am praying for all of you tonight. You are so brave and such a blessing for so many people like me. I can never thank you enough for being my voice. Your strength gives me strength. Please know there are so many people out there tonight grieving with you. Blessings and peace be with you.  -Morgan


Our first adoption experience had us with a brand new baby in our arms for 5 days. And then the birth parents changed their minds. The depth of grief I experienced was only matched by the grace I kept unearthing in order to find my way through. There is beauty everywhere. I worked through & learned so much in those weeks. …  And that first story had to happen in order for us to find our way to our daughter, and for her to find her way to us. The road to adoption is never straight. And we have our own labour pains. And, in the end, we get our children, no matter how they come – birth, adoption, relationship. … Even floating in grace, grief is a deep ocean to swim across. Much love from here, to you there.   – Jennifer


There are absolutely NO WORDS. Miscarriage… society expects you to grieve… adoptions disrupted….very few people gave me the time to grieve a child that was alive with a different mom…. Praying for you and your family.  -Cindy


I’ll stop sharing quotes now, but these are just a few of the encouraging words that have been shared with us.  There were literally hundreds of people sending prayers, love, hugs, and well wishes.  With this kind of support, how can I help but be thankful?  And knowing that our story has helped several people reading it makes my heart happy. 

Thank you, God, for using this experience and our pain for your glory. You are so, SO good.

And finally, this is the only photo I will be sharing of me with Baby Boy.  I want to protect his privacy.  But I figured this one was okay. It was our first photo together and he was five minutes old.  I treasure this image.  🙂

March 21, 2014 - 10:53 am

Sienna - If someday it’s meant to be for me to become a mother, I just hope I am at least half as loving, understanding, and patient as you Becky. My heart goes out to you and Ben. Thank you for being truly amazing and inspiring for the rest of us.

March 21, 2014 - 1:05 pm

Tabitha - This is such a wonderful post and I love that you’ve included a few ‘what not to say’ things. Maybe it is because I am a surrogate mother and have seen people affected by infertility, but I have noticed that people are so thoughtless in what they say sometimes. I hope that this post will help. After watching my sister in law go through several miscarriages and one stillbirth, I’m sure I have only a hint of an idea of what you’re going through, and I am so sorry that you are hurt. But I am so admiring of your attitude right now. You and your husband sound like great people and I very much hope that you are able to complete your family soon. Both of you are in my thoughts!

March 25, 2014 - 1:40 pm

ashley Potter - I cried. Im so sorry to hear everything that has happened my prayers are with you and your family. I been really wanting to find a family to surrogate for. If your intresed please contact me would love to hear from you.

March 26, 2014 - 8:54 am

Marissa Fortin - I am so sorry Becky and Ben. Peace to you.

And thank you for beautifully explaining the casual cruelty of well-intentioned but ignorant comments.

March 31, 2014 - 12:32 am

Michele - I am praying for all involved here. And I am confident God has planned that your very special baby will be in your arms soon. May you find some comfort in Romans 5: 1-5, the Bible can speak for my heart much better than my own words.

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